Despair
by protejerinnocencia
Summary: A missing conversation between Angel and Darla in season 2


**Despair**

She stared at him in disbelief. How could he still be standing there with his soul? She'd worked harder than she had when she'd been alive to drive him over the edge.

"What do you mean its still there?"

He looked at her and shook his head. He didn't know what to say to her. Part of him wanted to tell her the truth, how he really felt but he knew she wouldn't care.

"I don't know what to say…I'm sorry."

She took a step closer to him. "I did that for a living, Angel."

"I know, Darla. I remember."

Another step and she was within arms reach. "Look me in the eye and tell me that wasn't amazing. The best you've had in years."

Angel cleared his throat, trying to hide a smile. "That's not it…it was…well you were a professional when you were alive…the first time. I just…"

"Then what is it, Angel? Tell me what I have to do because-"

He held a hand up to silence her. "You were great, Darla. I have to say I missed it, the way we were together. But if I can be honest here, it was complete despair."

Her hand collided with his cheek faster than either of them realized. He stumbled backwards, stunned.

"How dare you!"

"Would you let me finish?" His hand massaged his jaw as he watched her movements.

She wrapped the bed sheet tighter around her body and sunk onto the bed. "Fine."

Angel stood silent for a moment, trying to collect his thoughts. It was time for the truth, even if she didn't believe it. Something compelled him, pulled him to his knees in front of her. Gently, he took her hands in his.

"It was despair because I could never love you."

She looked away and he could see the tears threatening to fall. "Is that it? Love? That's the key?"

"I wanted to love you. I wanted it so desperately every time we were together."

"Then you should have tried harder."

"I did. Every day for a hundred and fifty years, I tried. But I realized something."

"What? Enlighten me." Her tone cut like a knife.

"I wasn't capable of loving you. No matter how much effort I put into it, no matter how much I willed it, it just wouldn't come."

A hand traveled up to her cheek, wiping the tears away. Instinctively, she pressed her face against his hand, longing for the warmth that should have been there.

"Why? Was I not good enough? Am I not worthy enough of being loved?"

"Shh. I couldn't love you because I didn't have a soul. You can't love without it."

She blinked a time or two t clear her vision, gazing down at him. "And I took that away."

He nodded.

Darla pushed him away, getting to her feet. "So this is my fault. I ruined everything." She wiped away another tear. "Of course, blame the girl."

He was on his feet in an instant, his arms wrapped her. "I would have loved you forever if I'd been able. I tried to save you from Wolfram and Hart."

"I couldn't exist that way, Angel. You and I both know I would have died." A pause. "And you wouldn't do it."

"I'm so sorry."

They stood together as the rain drifted through the doors to the balcony. Darla's body quivered from the cold and Angel pulled her closer.

"You blame me, don't you?" she finally whispered.

"For what?"

"All of this…getting your soul back. Having to live in squalor and filth just to keep your sanity."

He rested his chin on her shoulder, his hands clasped around hers. "The way I lived after I got my soul back, that had nothing to do with you."

"You didn't answer all of my question."

"You didn't know what they'd do."

"God you're so accommodating. It makes me sick." She pushed away from him again.

"And you're acting like none of this means a thing to you."

"I was stupid to think I could get you back."

"You really wanted me?'

"I wanted Angelus...the man I loved."

"He wasn't a man. He was a monster."

"He was you, Angel. He still is, deep down. I don't want to go through another four hundred years alone. I can't."

"You don't have to."

"But I can't through it with you." She stormed off, her chest heaving with muffled sobs.

He watched her go. He didn't have to go after her. He'd said all he needed to say. They could never be happy together. There was no point in making each other miserable for eternity.


End file.
